time machines

dear ma,

i ache for you. ache in a way that i hope you were able to do what you wanted to do with your life.

it's sad to know that you didn't fall in love with papa. i know, he's still my father inspite of what he does and doesn't do for us but then if there is a time machine and only i - in the entire universe - have the privilege to go back and change things, i'd yield and let you go instead.

remember just last year when i heard from you, you were that nude (okay, semi-nude) girl in one of the paintings in tita nida's house? and that you were supposed to be a candidate for binibining pilipinas? and you were leaving for manila but papa stopped you at the bus terminal?

that storytelling. when i said, "sayang" because you should've been in Germany and maybe married to a German and had nice children and a better life probably?

hay ma... it's okay if i or my siblings aren't "here", we'd still be here but living a different life. Or maybe you're still our mother living another's life.

then again i know that a higher power all-knowingly placed us where we should be for the best.

i just want you to know mama that i want you to have a life you live because you love it and want it. it's never to late anyway. late is just an idea we conform to i guess.

there's this line from a movie (i forgot)... there is no such thing as too late, that's why they invented death.

but this is not my motto ma don't worry. i will finish school ;)